Thursday, July 30, 2009

Chad Kroeger

No words needed...

But since you asked.

Chad is the founder and front man for the shitstorm from Canada known as Nickelback. The band that may actually succeed in destroying rock and roll — and perhaps all of humanity as we know it.

With skin tight shirts and permed hair Chad and the boys sing lyrics so trite and play music so ass-numbingly void of anything resembling emotion that even Scott Stapp is embarrassed and Fred Durst feels physical pain (OK, so that's one good thing).

Consider this lyrical brilliance for example:

S is for the simple need.
E is for the ecstasy.
X is just to mark the spot,
Because that's the one you really want.
(Yes!) Sex is always the answer, it's never a question,
'Cause the answer's yes, oh the answers (Yes)
Not just a suggestion, if you ask the question,
Then it's always yes. Yeah!

I'm pretty sure I wrote that same exact song when I was 13 — and the ripped it up and burned it before anyone could see it and did penance by listening to Slayer nonstop for a week.

Honestly though, it's difficult to muster enough hatred for Chad or Nickelback to be witty or even motivated to try too hard. And that's the problem. Rock and Roll doesn't even have to be good. It doesn't require musical ability (KISS) or good looks (Lemmy), but it has to make you feel something. Excitement. Hatred. Even sadness. Fuck — just anything. When I hear Chad and the band I can't even muster up the strength or energy to take a shit or do my taxes.

Chad has succeeded where many others have come close, but failed. And for finally and completely removing all emotion, integrity, originality and feeling from rock and roll, Chad is guilty of crimes against humanity.

Simply being himself is punishment enough I think.


  1. Um, I need words. Who is chad kroeger? Should I bother to google? I'm thinking no?