Monday, August 3, 2009

Hammer Pants Comeback

This the-'80s-were-awesome retro bullshit has gone far enough.

Mullets, leg warmers and mall hair are perfectly rad to 15-year-old kids trying to look like their parents when they were in high school fucking other people and snorting meth when it was still called crank.These kids are also fucking retards, but they're not really hurting anybody.

But lately there's been a resurgence of the low-crotch drawers, genie jeans – otherwise known as Hammer Pants.

This is in no way OK.

Really. Why would these things make a comeback? Is it that the I-just-shit-my-pants-and-have-crap-smeared-asscheeks look is just so fucking sexy? Are thighs that rub together and create a bloody, painful rash near the genitals suddenly an indispensable fashion statement?

If you're helping to bring this trend back you deserve both. Stop now.

Unless you're hiding a midget in your pants to warm your crotch (which would be really fucking awesome) there is no earthly reason to be wearing these.

Look. Even Hammer, the shitburger who started this in the first place, has moved on. He's still a douchebag, but at least he's a douchebag in normal pants.

But you? A douchebag who also wears hammer pants? The death penalty still exists for people like you.

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